Feeling Better

So, last night I was feeling down due to this whole house thing and I still am.  Therefore I'm not going to talk about it.  Instead I'm going to go on and on about what excites me and hope that it gets my day off to a good start. 

First off, my CJ Bloomer.  Yep!  Last night he showed me one of the most beautiful drawings I have ever seen.  It just had "IT."  I'm hoping that this will be the start of a new era in our world and the illustration world.  There isn't enough people that truly appreciate the talent and skill it takes to be able to render an idea so skillfully AND be a great artist. However, I pride myself with being someone who truly enjoys the work of real, skilled artists.  So much so, that I found the best one, supported his potential, and married the man.  You may think me bias.  Well, on top of me not caring and the fact that your wrong, CJ Bloomer is a dyeing breed that deserves support.  Someone who has a wonderful imagination and an uncanny skill to put that thought on paper with such success that you wish it was real or, even better, think it may be. 

So much of this crap on and in books today is lacking the old magic of a paintbrush, fountain pen, and imagination.  All that matters is that as many can be printed as possible and the greatest profit made.  That vice flows all the way down; writer, illustrator, publisher, and reader.  What ever happened to the book you read over and over, cherished the workmanship of the binding, and stared at the pictures like if you did it long enough you would fall into them?  That was the world of The Great illustrators;  Arthur Rackham, Edmond Dulac, and the like.  That should be the world of CJ Bloomer, but I haven't found that there are many that hold such things as I do.  This may sound like a sad thing that I said I was going to avoid, but worry not friends.  There is lots of hope.  For as long as I have a breath left in me, I will support my artist, until the whole world wises up and realizes what is important.  If that day never comes, there is no waste, because I'm sure there is a special allotment of good karma just for people who support "God's gift's."  That is enough for me.   

Not going to give up

We visited 6 houses last weekend over 3 days and came up with one BIG maybe house in downtown Somerset.  Not exactly out place in the country, but if we can find somewhere and do a flip then we might come up with enough to find a place that isn't just a house staring at everyone else's land.  I've waited 26 years and I can wait another 10 or so to realize a dream.  It's worth it.

Sunday we have 2 more on our list and are going to take another look at the Maybe house.  I'm struggling to stay hopeful, but sometimes its really hard.  My mother isn't helping me any and loves to call late at night and suggest things that makes me feel like a complete failure.  She doesn't mean to, I know she's just trying to help, but it really hurts to hear her desperate suggestions like I'm incapable of doing what is best for my family.  It really gets me down especially after a long day of doing all I can for the whole situation.

And my poor CJ.  Sunday is his birthday and he says the only thing he wants is to not remember it.  That's sad, but I know where he is coming from.  Every single March 28 you can bet everything you have that we will have very little.  It all ways has fallen between jobs, after a huge bill, or something that guarantees that we will not be able to do anything more fun than eat a cake my G-ma fixes.  I wish I could make it better, but there is nothing I can do and now I have been denied the enjoyment of at least telling him "happy birthday" as he wakes up.  It makes me sad.  Actually, everything makes me sad right now.

I'm not going to give up, I refuse to, but sometimes things just get me down more than I wish they would.  That's the way things are and I know it will get better.  I hope the Gods are saving up all the luck I'm wanting for something really big and beautiful that will make us happy for a long time.  I have faith it's true...that's what is keeping me going.

but not yet....

It's true that I haven't posted in a while, mainly because I have been doing nothing but waiting for the bank to tell me if I could have the house we wanted.  Yesterday, the call came that the house was "unmarketable" and that no one would have given a fixed rate mortgage on this house.  It's just too weird (with a barn attached) and too far out there to resale quickly.  Sure, I was upset at everything and cried on and off for a couple hours afterward, but we have pulled our selves up by the boot straps and have already moved forward. 

Sunday we are going to look at two more houses, both about $15,000 over where I would really like to be, but I'm hoping we will be able to find a house that will actually pass the underwriting of the bank and wont need so much work.  The other house would have needed ALOT of work and the foundation was a little iffy, but I don't want to dwell on it.  I'll just keep telling myself it wasn't "our" house and that I wouldn't have wanted a house that I couldn't sell. 

So now we're back where we started, well, not quite.  I'm still approved for a loan and all I have to do is find a house that the bank wants to invest in.  Sounds way easier then it is.  So, I'm back on this roller coaster and hopeful that the second time around is more successful.  I'm still full of faith that I'm on the road I need to be on and with a little guidance, we'll soon be Ok.

Inching ever closer.

Now, we wait.  Sunday we decided that we should go and see the house one more time to get some answers about the foundation.  Everything checked out fine so we signed the first set of "no-return" paperwork accepting the house as is.  I know that there is some work that needs to be done, but I would rather sink my money into fixing it right myself than having some woman in Fl, who doesn't care anymore, botching the job. 

We have finished all the bank paperwork, up to this point, and payed for the bank inspection.  This is a double-edged sword for me.  On one hand, if he appraises the house for lower than we are willing to pay then the bank wont loan us the money and if the owner wont lower the price, then there is no way we can have this house.  On the other hand, if it is appraised lower and she does decide to work with us then we might be able to get it cheaper.  I know that I should be hoping for a lower appraisal so we might be able to save money, but I don't.  All I want is to move in, to have a home of my own out of this horrible city.

It seems like we have been at this for a very long time and my family seems to think that it should be going faster.  I sure wish it was, but the reality is that since this whole economic hoop-la happened everyone has to be more careful with dept and lending.  It isn't like in my grandma's day, it isn't even anything like last year, it takes a lot longer to dot "i's" and cross "t's."  I feel like the waiting and wondering of what is going to happen is going to drive me nuts.  I am going to have to wait 5-10 business days to see if some stranger is going to allow me to follow the path I want to or not.  Frankly, that sucks. 

On a more positive note, we spent a little time on the Rockcastle River Sunday.  It would be a dream come true to have the Danial Boon National Forest as my back yarn with such a beautiful river flowing only 2 miles away.  Since they have drained Cumberland Lake for dam repairs the river is lower and faster then it normally would be.  The huge boulders on ether bank with the evidence of water movement etched on the rocks and the clearest, greenest water I have ever seen in my life.  Its really like a beautiful dream.

Let's all hope for the best.  I want to start weaving again and I can't wait to get my hands dirty. 

The Merry-Go-Round

You know when you've been on a Merry-Go-Round, your coming to the end, and it starts to slow down.  The ponies are still floating up and down, but now its slower.....and slower....and....slower and it starts to feel like it just will keep getting slower and never actually stop.  That is what I feel like.  I have so much wonderful hope for the near future, hope that our lives will change for the better and we'll start down that road that we want to be on.  I get excited thinking of improvements that we can make to the house and land, thinks we can get that we have always dreamed of, and all the little details that we never even dared to think about until now.  It's so close, so very very close, but I feel like it will never actually ever become "now."  Maybe its a dream and the cat will wake me up as soon as I get to the good part.  Ugh.  I just want to quit planning and wishing and dreaming, I want to DO, I want to LIVE. 

I know, I'll just have to wait a little longer, but its so close I can Feel it, but I just can't touch it yet.